Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I faked an abortion last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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