Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
