You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
