I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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