I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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