I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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