thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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