Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
