God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
