Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
