on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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