he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
