I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
