I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
