A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
