If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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