Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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