Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
