Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
