im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
