The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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