my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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