I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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