that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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