You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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