hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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