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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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