Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
