I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
