he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
