There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Randomize
