from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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