i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
