Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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