two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is Oprah even human
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
