pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
this boner is exhausting
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
