My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
