cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
