you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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