I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
