somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
