She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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