So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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