So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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