i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
