just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
