I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
