When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
