just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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