I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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