you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
