I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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