I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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